Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
