i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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