Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
