nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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