i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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