1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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