I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
