I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
