My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
