he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
