I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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