i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
