Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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