Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
