I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So many bounce houses so little time
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
