Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
