I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
