we made out on top of his cat.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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