don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
