Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
