my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
