You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
