doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
