im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
