I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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