Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
