I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i was born a porn star she said
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
