you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
