party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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