If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
