"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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