Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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