alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
