Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Also, beer. Big fan.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Shame - the story of my life.
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