THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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