My hand turned me down
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Slut skills are useful in every country.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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