Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
