1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
