no, he came in my armpit
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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