Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
