ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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