all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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