the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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