The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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