They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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