mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
