I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
