can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
