Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
