Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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