he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just invented taco cereal.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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