Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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