Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
