My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
