I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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