Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
